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More on Moderation, tips to take back your control with food

May 21, 2013 by 2 Comments

I was speaking to a client last night who is in the middle of my 30-Day Detox Feast.  She said – as does every person on the 3rd week of eliminating sugar and wheat – “I’m just not hungry anymore.  Where did my constant desire to nosh go?”

I explained that she is not experiencing that constant need to eat because she has eliminated her trigger foods and without them, there isn’t anything really very tempting.

What that means, dear people, is that we are not addicted to the act of eating itself, as many of us think!  We are merely addicted to certain foods.  Take them out of the equation, or develop some strategies for how to control them, and ta da, you are now one of those people who just eats when hungry and stops when full!  In other words, peace with food.  yay!

Back in early March, I wrote a post about Moderation versus Elimination, where I argued that if you cannot control yourself with a certain food or food group, it is better to just eliminate it completely from your diet.  But as mentioned above, there are some shades of gray and ways to work AROUND your trigger foods without total elimination in some cases.

One commentor to the last post said she has trouble controlling all breads and pastas but because those are “healthy” foods and mainstays of many diets, wondered how  she could possibly eliminate “an entire food group.”  That’s a common question, so let’s tackle that first:

1.  Bread and Pasta

While bread and pasta are in fact food items, unlike say sugar and potato chips, if you cannot eat them in moderation – and you have honestly given it a good try! – and your weight or your health are suffering, then eliminate them from your diet.  There are PLENTY of other starches to eat, such as:

Sweet Potatoes, Corn, Quinoa, Amaranth, Millet, Rice, Barley, Buckwheat, Couscous, Kamut (wheat kernels), White Potatoes…

Participants in the 30-Day Detox spend 3 weeks not eating breads and pastas and it forces them to use other grains and starches.  Only when they do, do they realize that they were WAY over-relying on bread and pasta!  Variety is the spice of life and health, so don’t get stuck in the bread/pasta rut.

Your next question may be:  Well, what about bread and noodles made out of the things you listed above?  Ie, quinoa flour bread or crackers, rice pasta, Soba noodles, etc.  My answer is that you will need to check those out for yourself.  If you can eat rice pasta and not over-eat it, then by all means, enjoy.  But if you binge on any sort of pasta, noodle, bread or cracker, regardless of what it is made out of, then pull up out of that nose dive and eliminate!

2.   Know your triggers and box them in

Sometimes we are triggered not by food, but by situations, or even food packaging!  For example, I will overeat pretty much anything in an open package.  Pretzels in an open bag?  I’ll plow through them all.  Ditto nuts, chips, crackers, cookies.  And I know I am not alone in this.  Food manufacturers know as well!  So my solution for this one has been a “No Food in Open Packages in the House” policy.  Or if it arrives in an open package, I will quickly re-package into smaller, portioned packages.

I also discovered that I could share a dessert in a public place with friends or family and NOT binge afterwards.  As long as the dessert stayed out of my house!  We do our best then to avoid having desserts brought back home and just enjoy the occasional sweet outside at restaurants or cafes.

Both of my strategies with portion sizes and eating out, are called “Boxing it In”, a term coined by Dr Stephen Gullo in his excellent book Thin Tastes Better.

Can you think of any situation or packaging triggers you might have that you could learn to “Box In” safely?

You may have habit triggers as well.  A lot of my clients overeat at restaurants because they were raised with an anything-goes-when-we-eat-out kind of attitude.  Others report binging at movie theaters, weddings and bar mitzvahs, book clubs, or while sitting in front of the TV at night.  Still others have certain eating buddies that they are always “naughty” with.  In order to get control of this issue, we first need to get clear and then develop a strategy to change things or see if there is a way to Box anything In.

The point of these two posts on Moderation and Elimination has been to give the power back to YOU.  Many of us feel so powerless in the face of food and eating.  Once you understand WHY and HOW you are using certain foods, you can take responsibility and make changes.  It really is not ALL food you are having problems with.  But the few you are struggling with are pretty much ruining your peace, your health, and often your entire life.

If you need help sorting all of this out for yourself, book a session and let me help!

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Filed Under: coaching exercises, Growth, health coach, weight loss Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The Plight of the Righteously Wronged Victim

May 12, 2013 by 2 Comments

Awhile back, I noticed  a pattern that was occurring in my relationships – both personal and business.  It would play out like this:  I would connect with someone less than kind, pretend I didn’t notice their unkindness, then get all wounded and indignant when they did something mean to me.

The last time it happened, I was participating in a business coaching group and decided that since being all twisted up with this drama was reducing my productivity, it was on-topic for the group.  The coach who was leading the group first identified that this was indeed a pattern for me.  She asked me for several examples, which sadly I was able to give generously, going back years and years.

My coach pointed out, and I reiterate for my dear readers here, if something is a repeating pattern in your life, there is a good chance that you are doing something to attract this to you.  Until you identify and clear it, it is likely to persist.

Then it went something like this:

Coach:  So Emily, what are you getting out of this situation?

Me:  Frustration, pain, sadness.

Coach:  Could there be anything positive you are getting out of it?

Me:  I guess it enables me to be distracted and procrastinate my work.

Coach:  OK, maybe, but could there be something else?  Who do you get to be when this happens to you?

Right away, without even thinking, these words came out of my mouth:

Me:  The righteously wronged victim.  I get to be the righteously wronged victim.

Coach:  So how is it to be the righteously wronged victim?

Me:  Well, I thought it was good.  I liked being righteous and a victim.  But now that I think about it, I HATE it!  What a stupid thing to be!  The people who “victimize” me just go on, unperturbed,  happy with their lives, and I am the one sitting here, wasting time, stewing in my pain.  Really, this is pretty much the dumbest and most unproductive thing I have ever done.  Ding!

My coach warned the whole group that while being aware of the pattern we are attracting is the first step to changing it, we must completely disconnect from this old pattern.  If we are attached to it even 1%, we will fall right back into it out of familiarity and comfort.  I did NOT want that, so I committed 100% to divorcing myself from this pattern I have been practicing for about 40 years.  Yes, 40 years.  My parents are reading this and thinking it has taken me an awfully long time to figure out for myself what they were telling me all along.

Over the course of the next few weeks, several “tests” arose (as they often do when you have made an advancement in your growth).   Thanks to this article on victim mentality, I was able to identify right away if I was entering righteous victim mode and immediately change course.

Guess what happened when I stopped engaging in this behavior pattern?  Well, you would not believe it if I told you!  For starters, all those drama mamas, they just vanished like smoke.  Move along people, nothing to see here, no drama to feed on.  Suddenly the people who were contacting me to book appointments were totally different than the people I had previously been working with!  They are responsible for their own work, they have good boundaries, they are kind.  And the other folks?  Miraculously I watched as they removed themselves from my practice.

My personal relationships have mirrored what is happening with my business relationships.  Do you have any idea how much more time and energy you have every day when you are not tangled up in massive efforts to defend your poor victim self and try to make everyone feel so, so sorry for you?

Now, everywhere I look, I see OTHER people playing the righteous victim role. Now that I can see what they are doing, I can choose to not play the game.  All those online arguments, comment wars and facebook foibles?  Done, gone, vanished, unfollowed, disconnected…  Turns out that not having the last word in every argument to prove how you have been WRONGED-oh-woe-is-me! is quite liberating.

Recently for example, there have been protests about how women can pray at the Western Wall and groups and counter-groups have sprung up.  When you read their editorials and replies back and forth, you see both sides saying “WE are the ones being wronged here!  WE are the innocent victims of your group!”  Both sides.  Each claiming righteous victimhood.  Everyone stuck and trapped and making no progress.

Look at almost any stale-mated argument (and yes, I can see the Middle East peace process through these eyes too) and you will see two sides both jockeying for righteous victimhood.

Being the righteous victim is a place of stagnancy and no forward progress.  It sucks all the creativity and energy right out of us!  Who the heck cares if you are so righteously wronged?  Who WANTS to be the idiot who lets nasty people wipe their dirty feet all over the place?

The great news is that you don’t have to play along!  Be a creator, not a victim.   Again, more helpful details in this article HERE.

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Get Over Yourself

April 29, 2013 by 9 Comments

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OK, so I have a little writer’s block.  Writing is like any other discipline, when you get into a shvoong and do it everyday, it just pours out with ease and flow. When you get distracted and neglect the practice, you find that starting it up again has become like rolling that dadgum rock uphill.

So, what to do to get things flowing again?  Write something shockingly personal and from the heart of course!

I want to write about something today that really is one of my deepest and darkest shames.  And the reason I risk exposing myself like this, is because many of you share this particular shame and really, I am freaking sick of it already!  We need to shine some light on this thing and sweep it the heck out.

Here’s the heart of it:  I am often fearful of doing things because of how I look.

Backstory:  The other day I was speaking to a friend about something that was holding her back from taking her next steps.  She knows what she wants and needs to do next in life, but is held back, in part, because she has gained a couple of kilos and that makes her lack the confidence to get out there in front of people.

Gee, I have never heard that one before!  And NONE of my clients ever say that.  And I certainly have never felt like that myself!

You see, the truth is, that although I am proud of the weight I have lost and maintained, I am still not a thin woman.  Every single time I meet a new client or teach a class, or show up to run a race, or introduce myself to new people and say what I do for a living, I imagine people are thinking:

“If she eats so healthy, why isn’t she skinnier?”

“Why should I take her advice?  She weighs more than me!”

“She’s awfully large to be running this marathon!”

“I thought vegans are always thin?”

More often than I would like to admit, the fear of those thoughts makes me want to cancel the class, lie about what I do for a living, drop out of the race.  Heck, sometimes I even think “I should just go work in a shoe store or something where I won’t be expected to have a certain body.”  (No offense to shoe store workers!)

The underlying thread of this ridiculous internal monologue is the familiar old fear by the name of, “Who do I think I am?”  Boy, do I hate that guy!

I know that many people have this same fear and it is not always related to weight and appearance.  And I know that it DOES stop many of you from doing the things you know you want or need to be doing in life!

So how to get past it?

Well, I convene a Mind Monkey Summit where I invite these fears to the table and let them say their piece.  The truth is, these thoughts and fears are trying to protect us from making fools of ourselves.  I thank them for that, but then I tell them why it is important for me to proceed despite the danger.

As it happens to turn out, I have information to deliver that literally saves lives.  It saves the lives of the people who learn from me as well as saving the lives of their kids and even grandkids!  If I let my Ego get in the way of my delivering this information to the people who need it,well  that is just a stupid, pitiful shame!

OK, worst case scenario – people really WILL say those things to me out loud, in public, in front of others – then what will happen?  Well, I can tell you that they have said some of those things to me, and although painful and embarrassing, I didn’t die.  I answered honestly, “You are right that I am not skinny, but I have lost a huge amount of weight and kept it off, reversed a deadly disease, healed an eating disorder, cured emotional eating and sugar addiction.  I am still working on my weight and sometimes I still struggle with overeating.  But if you think that my current weight is more important than my vast experience, I’d have to guess that you are looking for excuses not to have to make your own changes.”

OK, I don’t say that last sentence out loud but… yeah, pretty much.

While we should all work towards making ourselves the best we can be, we should not wait until we are PERFECT to get out there and deliver our gifts!  If we hold back from living our purpose because we don’t think our bodies are the right size or shape, or we are not smart enough, or “Who-do-we-think-we-are” is running the show, we are depriving the world of receiving the work/words/message/gift we are here to share.

And because I know some of you are going to be thinking this, remember: Not knowing what your gift is, is not the same thing as not having one!  Subject for a different post.

Now, get over yourself and go leave your mark.

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Filed Under: coaching exercises, Growth, health coach, Inspiration, Rants, weight loss

Can you Moderate? Or must you Eliminate?

March 4, 2013 by 17 Comments

The three little words that almost killed me:

“Everything in Moderation”

For me, these words are an utter lie, an impossibility, and the height of denial.  They made me try and fail and try and fail more times than it is possible to count.  As such an accepted part of our lexicon, “Everything in Moderation” must be true!   Therefore, I, incapable of eating certain things in moderation, must just lack willpower.  Right?

Years ago, when I was suffering from obesity and high blood sugar, my doctor sent me to a dietitian to help me lose weight.  After the first week, when I returned to the skinny, perky dietitian’s office with my chocolate-smeared food log in hand, she asked incredulously “But you are trying to lose weight!  Why are you eating boxes of cookies??!”  I answered, through my tears of shame, “I don’t know!  That’s why I am here.  It’s like I am an addict and I can’t stop.  I need help!”  To which she angrily replied “There is no such thing as food addiction.  Just follow the diet.”

I never went back to her office.  I went home and ate another box of cookies.  There is no such thing as food addiction.  Just have ONE cookie, Emily.  One.  everythinginmoderation

But what I found, once again, is there is no such thing as “one cookie”.  Not for me.

I honestly and truly owe my life to the angel in women’s clothing, who came along and said “Food addiction is a real thing and I too, am a food addict.”  She introduced me to the concept of Elimination of Trigger Foods and taught me the importance of recognizing and having a strategy for handling Trigger Situations.  She told me to read a book called Thin Tastes Better by Dr. Stephen Gullo.  I read it, mouth agape, one hundred times.  There are foods that render certain people utterly devoid of the ability to stop eating.  I might be crazy, but I am not the only one!

In his book, Dr. Gullo asks you to remember every diet you ever went on.  Then he asks you to remember every time you fell off the diet and what food you fell of the diet with.  In 99% of the cases, we fall off our diet with the same handful of foods.  For me: cookies, candy, cake.  Every. Time.

So, if the same handful of foods lead you astray, those foods are your trigger foods and your life will be so much more peaceful without them in it.  Tada, Elimination.  As I have written many times before, when we stop negotiating with the terrorists in our minds and on our plates, we finally achieve that sought-after peace agreement.

Now, I do recognize that if this were not my own personal reality, I would probably think it’s nutso, just like that dietitian did.  So if you are the type of person who can eat one cookie and stop, then keep on with your “Everything in Moderation”.  BUT, know that there ARE people who CANNOT do moderation.  They are not weak-willed and they should not just “try harder.”  They can’t do it.  In fact, you may even be living with one of these people!  They may be your own children, or your partner.  So when you buy cookies to have in the house for when guests come, and your food addict child or spouse drags the box back to his or her room like a fresh carcass on the savannah, the answer is to:

a.  Lecture this person about “everythinginmoderation”

b.  Stop buying cookies and leave your loved one in peace

the answer is “b”.

And if you really want to know what it is like inside the head of a food addict, read this most amazing description over on the Disease Proof blog.  Then get a copy of The End of Overeating by David Kessler where you will learn why some people get addicted in the first place (brain chemicals and food chemicals oh my!), and that even the former head of the FDA considers himself a food addict.  We’re in good company.

So the next time you find yourself looking up from an empty packet of whatever, after promising yourself you would just have ONE, open your eyes and see your trigger food for what it is: a life robbing, self-esteem sucking, lying terrorist with a bomb strapped to his chest.  Do not even try to negotiate!

Elimination is not as hard as hard as Moderation.  I promise, promise, promise  you.

(Part Two of this post is now located here:  More on Moderation).

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When A Loved One Won’t Change

February 14, 2013 by 1 Comment

Subtitle:  ”Why Can’t You Do This For Me, for the kids, for yourSELF?!”

Here is the Mad Libs version:

Your _____________________

(spouse / partner / sister / father / best friend / child)

 Needs to____________________

(lose weight / get his blood sugar down / get her cholesterol down / stop smoking / stop drinking / wear a seat belt)

Although he/she insists it has nothing to do with you, and that your nagging is only making things worse, you feel______________________

(betrayed / angry / worried / massively betrayed)

 

Sound familiar, anyone?  I bet it does!

Today, instead of telling you what to do from my standpoint as a health practitioner, I want to share with you the other side of the coin.  

I was your spouse.  I was the one who was willfully disregarding my health and my family’s future all in the name of getting my next binge.  I hope that if you can see things from your loved one’s perspective, you will be able to find some peace and clarity.

Several years ago I tried eating myself into oblivion while my husband was the one to be angry about my growing body and frustrated by my resistance to change.  The more he pushed and threatened me, the more I ate and the fatter I became.  I truly felt that it was MY business and had nothing to do with him.  I seriously resented him making it his problem, even though somewhere in the dim recesses of my mind, I kinda-sorta understood how my health and weight ultimately WOULD impact his life and the lives of our children.

I was in Stage One: Pre-Contemplation (click that link to read the post I wrote about the 5 Stages of Change). I was only dimly aware that there was some sort of a problem but feeling like I was a victim of intolerable levels of stress with food as my only lifeline.  I could no sooner have given up over-eating than I could have gone without oxygen.  

You can read about what advanced me from Stage One to Stage Two HERE.  Basically, I finally understood that my actions were causing my outcome, plain and simple.  Change my actions and I’d change the outcome.  But more than that, here was this man, Tony Robbins and he had done it himself.  And all the thousands of people who followed him, they were taking this kind of action in their lives.  I understood for the first time that it could be done and people were doing it.  I could change my story and change the way my story would end.

So this is my message to you (and when I get around to publishing that post about overweight kids it will be the same message):

Shut Up and Walk Your Own Talk.

End of story.

People do not hear what you say as much as see what you do.  Ghandi said “Be the change you want to see.”  You – be the change.  Model the behaviors you want others to adopt.  SHOW don’t say.  Work on Yourself.  Be the best you can be.  Be Inspiring.  Make the people around you WANT to reach higher.  Show people what is possible.  

Married folks:  I realize how painful it feels for you, that your partner is betraying the agreement you made when you got married.  He/she is digging an early grave and will leave you holding the bag.  But go back and read the stages of change.  People who are not changing likely do not believe that it is in their power to do so.  No amount of screaming and threatening is going to change that.

Those Stage Oners need hope and belief.  They need to come to understand that they CAN reverse their problem.  They need to move from helpless victim to artful designers of their own destiny.

Model it for them and then butt out.

P.S. I am not suggesting you stay with a partner bent on self-destruction.  You may decide that you need to leave a relationship in order to take care of yourself.  That is modeling healthy self-care as well.

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Filed Under: coaching exercises, Growth, health coach, Inspiration, Love, Positive Thinking, Rants Tagged With: , , ,

Mind Monkey Warning: T-minus 5 weeks

February 12, 2013 by 1 Comment

Sorry for the unintended blog break there!  When you are in the health or fitness industry, January is a busy, busy month.  In a major “be careful what you wish for” kinda way, I decided to up-level my business and was literally slammed with new inquiries!  Hey, I’m not complaining!

Now I am settled in with a new crop of wonderful clients who, with my support and guidance, are well on the way to fulfilling their dreams and desires, yay!  And I can get back to a more regular writing schedule.

So I am 5 weeks out from the Tel Aviv Half Marathon of 2013.  What I want to write about today, is my struggle to increase my speed, set a personal record finish time, and the monkeys that are getting in my way.  If you remember, I had decided that since I have already run this distance several times, I would work on my speed to keep things interesting.  Turns out it’s much harder than I thought it would be!

This is a re-cap of my racing “career” for perspective:

2005:  Westchester County Half Marathon ~ This was my first attempt at a long distance race and my goal was just to finish it no matter what.  Finish time:  2:23:56

2006:  Yonkers Half Marathon ~ I came into this race under-prepared and over-confident.  The race itself was a nightmare of pain for me.  Finish time:  2:35:39

2011:  Tel Aviv Half Marathon ~A return to long distance running after several years off as I adjusted to life in a new country.  My goal was just to finish.  Finish time:  2:36:11

2012:  Tel Aviv Full Marathon ~ Decided to double my distance and go for 42.2 kms in honor of my 45th birthday.  My goal was to finish before the 6 hour cut off.  Finish time:  5:44

2013:  Tel Aviv Half Marathon Goal Finish Time 2:15.

The difference between my last two finish times in 2011 and 2006 and my goal for this year is about 21 minutes. Spread that 21 minutes out over 21 kms of running and it’s basically running one minute faster per kilometer.

THAT SOUNDS SO EASY!!!

What’s one minute faster?  When I was in the planning stages I felt that was totally doable.  Here in the trenches, I can tell you it feels like the fight of a lifetime for me!!  When I am out there running and trying to maintain my desired race pace, I feel like I am pushing against a 40lb sled!  And really, this is still a pretty slow pace for most people.  The average half marathon pace for women is 2:12.  That is a demoralizing thought.

There are very real issues that impact speed such as age and weight (both have increased over the years!) but truly I think I am up against a mental block.  The bottom line is that it plain hurts to run faster!  And it is scary.  I feel like I could trip and sprawl more easily.  I feel like my heart might explode or that I won’t be able to go the distance.  And the biggie, behind almost every fear:  What if I fail?

So that brings me back to the beginning of the post and the January influx of new people excited to start on a new path to health and fitness.  At first, it’s exciting!  It seems doable.  We are pumped up to get started!

Then a few days pass, or weeks or months, and we get tired of watching our calories, planning and journaling our food.  Surely we can skip the workout, just today.  We look over a month of “work” and see that we have lost a tiny fraction of the weight we need to lose.  It starts to feel impossible.  And hard.  And scary.  Besides, our friends are giving us flack for not being able to eat out with them, and drink, and stay up late.  They’re right, who wants to live such a strictly disciplined life anyway?

WARNING:

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The fact is, we DO want to achieve something here!  If we listen to all the monkey chatter about “I can’t”, “It’s too hard”, “It’s not that important anyway” we will never get what we want.

NEVER

The reason working with a health coach is so valuable, is because you have someone reminding you of this and calling you back when you start to party with the monkeys.

In lieu of personal health coaching, I give you Bruno Mars and some muppets to say what I would say to you. And what I say to myself every. single. day:

 

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Filed Under: coaching exercises, Exercise, Goals, Growth, health coach, Inspiration, Running, Tel Aviv Half Marathon Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Redefine Hard

January 24, 2013 by Leave a Comment

On a typical morning, I wake up, walk the dog,  feed everyone breakfast, pack  lunches, and get the kids off to school.  Then I put on my running clothes…

…and spend the next 30 – 60 minutes whining to my husband about why I do not want to go running!

My husband, observing this phenomenon in me for years, and now experiencing it for himself while training for his first Half Marathon, has sagely noted:

The training is not the hard part.  Getting out the door to DO the training is what is really hard!

Often when a client first comes to see me for weight loss or diet change, he or she holds the belief that “Weight Loss is Hard”. This belief has probably formed during past attempts where it either felt hard to diet or to maintain the weight lost.

Now imagine for a minute how much motivation and excitement to get started you feel when you think “Weight Loss is Hard.”

Ugh, not very much, right?

So we re-frame the belief that “weight loss is hard” by listing all the things about being overweight and food addicted that are hard:

  • Finding clothes to wear that you feel good in each day
  • Clothes shopping (nothing you want looks good on you)
  • Being without food for several hours (start to get crave-y and hypoglyecmic)
  • Having heartburn
  • Having a stomach ache
  • Taking medications for diet-caused illnesses
  • Being out of breath
  • Feeling insecure or even ashamed
  • Walking in to a room and assessing if you are the biggest person there
  • Being tired
  • Feeling depressed
  • Worrying about your own health
  • Worrying about passing these food problems on to your kids

I know that not every overweight person feels these things.  These are things my clients say or things I experienced myself when I was overweight.

When we re-frame the question “What is Hard?” we can now see that being overweight and food addicted is really pretty hard!  Look at that list!  Is it just possible that, in comparison, sticking to a healthy food plan might not be so hard after all?

As for we exercisers, what is the re-frame we do to get us out that door?  Personally, I think about the things that would be hard in my life if I did NOT workout:

  • feeling depressed
  • achy muscles
  • low energy
  • muddy thinking
  • flabby legs
  • being out of breath
  • setting a poor example for my kids
  • and the one that gets me most right now, 8 weeks from my race day: failing and/or suffering in front of thousands of people.

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It’s all in the re-frame!

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Filed Under: coaching exercises, Exercise, Goals, Growth, health coach, Inspiration, Positive Thinking, Running, weight loss Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Nine Questions That Changed My Life

January 8, 2013 by 3 Comments

What readers familiar with my story may remember, is the tipping point I reached in order to turn my back on unhealthy eating, living, and the overweight that came as a result, was a Tony Robbins book.  As you can read in this post HERE, I had stumbled upon the book quite by accident, opened to a page most randomly, became captivated by a writing exercise within it, and basically changed the course of my life on the very spot.

The kicker is that I left the book on the desk in the library, not even checking it out or reading any farther than that one exercise in the middle of the book!

Now, I am not one to believe in accidents of fate.  I know I was guided to the info I needed the moment I was ready for it.  Once the message had been delivered and received, I guess I had no need of the actual messenger.

To tell you the truth I actually began to wonder if that entire day hadn’t been some sort of dream?  I mean, if the book had been that important, how could I not remember what it was?

Recently however, as I faced a similar challenge in my life, I began wondering about the magic of that day.  If I found the book and re-did the exercise, could I get as wonderful a result as I did that day back in 2001?  I decided I would find the book and try!  Unfortunately for me, Tony has been prolific with his writing and it was seemingly impossible for me to choose THE BOOK from the dozens he has written.

So, doing as I had on that fateful day, I went “eeny-meeny” and asked a power greater than myself to guide me to “miney-mo”.

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 I found it on the very first try.

(Skeptics among you are certain my subconscious remembered the title or the cover even though I didn’t think I had.  That’s fine too).

And now, with the book in my possession, I understand that the entire lengthy and jam-packed tome is a life changer.  No wonder this guy is famous!  Wow!

The exercise that launched me on an altered course is tucked right in the middle of all this amazing content.  Although it is not exactly as I had remembered it, it’s still powerful and profound.  I have been sharing it with my clients, but today wanted to share it with all of you as a New Year’s present.

This is not an exercise to be read passively.  You must take out pen and paper and write, write, write!  What better way to begin a new year than with some soul searching?  So get your writing tools and I will wait here until you get back…

color-bars

You’re back?  OK, the actual exercise is an entire chapter of the book, so here I am going to paraphrase a bit.  Basically, the set up is to spend some time imagining what you would do in life if you knew you couldn’t fail.  Then, after you have fantasized a bit, with that wide open, happy, frame of mind, answer the following questions.  Write freely without thought to grammar or spelling.  Do not edit yourself with “oh, I could never do THAT!” or anything resembling limits or “realistic thinking”.  You will get to that later, I promise.

(Whatever I put in quotes is directly from the book.  Unquoted sections are me paraphrasing).

1. “Start by making an inventory of your dreams, the things you want to have, do, be and share.  Create the people, feelings, and places you want to be a part of your life,” how you want to look, feel, dress, the things and people you have in your life, your surroundings, smell it, see it , feel it all … “write for a minimum of 10 minutes.”

2.  ”Go over the list you made, estimating for each goal, when you expect to reach those outcomes:  six months, one year, two years, five years, ten years, twenty years.”

3.  ”Now, pick out the four most important goals for you this year.”  For each one “write down why you absolutely will achieve them… and WHY it is important that you do.” (emily:  I would actually use the word “necessary”, rather than “important” as it has much more power attached to it).

4.  Review your 4 goals:  ”Are they stated in the positive?” Can you see the achievement of the goal in your mind?  Can you feel what it feels like, what you see, hear and smell when you achieve this goal?  Are they goals that are attainable by you and not dependent on the actions of someone else?  ”If they violate any of these conditions, change them to fit.”

5.  ”Make a list of the important resources you already have at your disposal to help you achieve each goal: character traits, friends, financial resources, education, time, energy, etc.”

6.  Recall and write down three to fives times in your life when you used those same traits successfully to accomplish some other goal.  ”Describe what you did that made you succeed, what qualities or resources you made effective use of, and what about the situation made you feel successful.”

7. “Describe the kind of person you would have to be to attain your goals..”  ie: a great disciplinarian, free thinker, time manager, brave, bold person with magnetism and great impact, etc etc.?

8.  (emily: HEADS UP:  This is THE question on which my entire world reversed it’s spin!)  ”In a few paragraphs, write down what prevents you from having the things you desire right now.  Dissect your personality and see what’s holding you back from achieving what you want.”  (emily: I could have sworn Tony asked the next part, but it’s not here, so I will ask the thing that landed this whole exercise for me:  Is it worth it?  Is what you are doing now that is keeping you from achieving your goal, worth living without this thing you want so badly?  Yeah, I didn’t think so either.)

9.  ”Take the time now to take each of your four key goals and create your first draft of a step-by-step plan on how to achieve it.  Remember to start with the goal and ask what would I have to do first to accomplish this or what prevents me from having this now and what can I do to change this.  Make sure your plans include something you could do TODAY.”

Those are the main steps of Tony’s “Ultimate Success Formula”.  He goes on with a few more advanced steps:

10.  Come up with models – people who have already achieved what you want to achieve and copy what they do, how they think and what they say.

11.  Set up your ideal day, hour by hour, as the person who accomplishes these goals of yours.

12.  Brainstorm your ideal environment – home and office.

13.  Write a gratitude list expressing how grateful you are for all that you already have in your life.

So, that’ll keep you busy for awhile.  I really hope you do the exercise and that it brings the kind of magic to your life that it has to mine.  As always, know that I am here as a coach to help you through those questions if you are stuck.  Turning your goals into your reality is what I do for a living, woohoo!

Again, you can read how I answered the questions originally 12 years ago HERE.  As for how I answered them this time around?  Too tender to share quite yet, but it goes something like this:

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The above questions have been excerpted from Unlimited Power by Anthony Robbins, pages 202-215.

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Stand Up and Speak

December 5, 2012 by 7 Comments

My dear blog readers.  For 3 and 1/2 years you have followed my life and my career.  You have been inspired by where I am strong and felt compassion for where I am weak.  I have shared private moments of struggle and the glorious rays of victory.

But I must admit to you that increasingly, I held out on you.  I put up a screen and hid behind it.  I knew that this was not serving you.  I understand that we are mirrors for one another.  In my blocks you can see your own and my victories help you push toward yours.  For that reason I share this very personal story. My hope is that it will help you move out of any fear or stuckness you may be feeling yourself.

Last night I redeemed a gift I had been given – a free coaching session with one of my heroes, the world-famous chef and health coach, Andrea Beaman.  Andrea, a published author, TV show host, Top Chef contestant, and overall big shot in my world, was one of the lecturers at my nutrition school, The Institute for Integrative Nutrition. 

When I saw her face pop up on the skype screen last night I almost fainted dead away.  Am I really going to lay open my soul to Andrea-freaking-Beaman??  Well, in about 30 seconds Andrea zeroed right in on the thing I have been hung up on.  The next 59 minutes were spent figuring my way through it.

Here’s the deal:  When I first went into health coaching I was so on fire with excitement and inspiration you couldn’t have held me back with a team of Clydesdales.  As my business grew, more people began reading my articles and coming to me for advice, the good AND the bad happened, and instead of growing with it all, I hit my ceiling of comfort and started to contract.

I created all sorts of reasons for why I was contracting:  mean clients, crazy blog commenters, people so blocked and frightened of change that they lashed out at me instead of themselves.  I put up walls to protect myself.  I stopped speaking so loudly and soon I found that I couldn’t even remember what it was I had wanted to say!

“Be moderate.  Don’t offend.  Speak and write in a way that people can hear your message rather than be offended and turn away.”  These were the things other people were saying to me all the time, and I mistook those thoughts for my own.  Last night Andrea helped me to see that when people give you advice like that, they are speaking from their own fears.  The only thing I should be listening to is my own heart and the message that G-d put in it for me to share.

Today I was in a class at the gym.  The other women were moaning about high cholesterol. The teacher – who I happen to know is also vegan but I never spoke to before even though I have wanted to – said “How about changing your diet instead of taking all those meds that don’t even help.”  Everyone rushed to attack her because they know she is vegan and people get very defensive about that and the thought of the magnitude of change they would have to make to be like her.  They were saying “Diet can’t help hereditary high cholesterol” and all the other myths people believe.

I was sitting there inside my head screaming “Speak Up!  Say Something!  High cholesterol CAN be treated successfully with diet!“
 
I contracted in fear and remained silent.
 
But Andrea’s words were in my head and by the time the class ended I was almost hyperventilating.
 
Before I could shrink back, I marched myself over to the teacher and trembelingly told her I am a vegan health coach and she is right, you can lower cholesterol through diet and my clients do it all the time.
 
She said to me “WHY didn’t you speak up??”
 
I didn’t answer. I just looked at her and she saw what was in my eyes. She said “Oh I see.  You are scared.  Well, I am sorry but you do not have the luxury to be scared.  People are dying because they don’t have good information.”
 
BAM!
 

People are dying because they don’t eat well.  People are DYING because they don’t eat well.  People. Are. Dying.

It is true that some people don’t want to change the way they eat.  They would rather suffer the consequences and in order to defend that decision, they will convince themselves – and everyone around them – that change wouldn’t help anyway.  Sadly, the Western medical system is only too happy to push their drugs and their surgeries and placate the unwilling-to-change folks.

But who the heck am I to shrink back because I am afraid of people’s resistance?  What about all the people who DO want to change and need my help?  Isn’t my job to serve with the gifts I was given?

From now on, I am going to trust that if I have something to say it is because someone needs to hear.  If you catch me shrinking again, call me on it please!  And if you have the desire to tell me (or anyone else) to shrink, look within yourself first and see what you are afraid of.

What message are YOU here to deliver?  People are dying.  We don’t have the luxury of being scared to speak.

 

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Filed Under: coaching exercises, Goals, Growth, health coach, Inspiration, Rants Tagged With: , , , ,

Comfort Eating Vs Comfort Food

November 28, 2012 by 5 Comments

Q:  Hey Em — can you please write a blog about healthy comfort food? Or foods that have a calming effect?

My friend wrote that to me last week while rockets were falling and things were exploding.  I understand she is asking about healthy comfort food, but first want to make a careful distinction:

There is “Comfort Eating” and there are “Comfort Foods” and they are not quite the same.  Lest you mistake one for the other, allow me to explain:

Comfort Eating

If there was one commonality I noticed on Facebook in the past month, first with Hurricane Sandy, then the US elections, and finally war here in Israel, it was admission after admission by people seeking comfort through food.  Some people photographed pizza and ice cream binges as part of Hurricane preparedness efforts.  Others wrote things like “This election is driving me to donuts!” and among the Israelis, post after post of “Engaging in Baking Therapy!” with drool-inducing photographic proof of the buttery, sugary delicacies prepared.

I had a mentor who called comfort eating  ”Searching for salvation in the bright white refrigerator light.” 

Truthfully, there were a few moments last week when I too found myself opening and closing the fridge and cupboards, looking, looking, looking…  Thankfully I was able to remind myself that what I was seeking – comfort, distraction, solace – was not anything I could find within the 4 walls of my kitchen.

And that my friends, is my official answer on Comfort Eating:  Don’t Do It!  Don’t seek to bury feelings in food!  Food is for Hunger, not psychological support.  

Wine is for psychological support.  

Kidding!  (Kind of)

 

On the other hand…

Comfort Food

It would be foolish to deny that food has some sort of psychological effect on us.  It is not ALL about the physical satiation of hunger, is it?  Are there foods that actually have effects on our emotions?  Yes!  This topic has been studied extensively and I can strongly recommend the book The End of Overeating by Dr David Kessler if you want a thorough explanation of why we crave the sorts of things we crave – primarily sweet, fatty and salty.  But can we get the same comforting results from healthy foods?  Can we meet the desire for sweet, fatty and salty without ruining our health?  

Behold:

  • Brazil Nuts for selenium, which is a natural mood booster.  Go easy, 1-2 raw nuts is all you need.  
  • As everyone here in the Middle East knows, chickpeas and tahina, the main ingredients in hummus, have both anti-anxiety and anti-depressive properties due in large part to tryptophan and omega 3′s.  (Which begs the question, why so much fighting in the Middle East?  Me thinks, too many kebabs, not enough hummus!)  Ranch-flavored hummus anyone?
  • What about chocolate and it’s legendary broken-heart healing properties?  Yes, chocolate contains magnesium, which can make you feel better, but so do raw cashews and almonds, bananas, avocados, apples, whole grains and leafy greens which don’t contain the health damaging hitchhikers, sugar and caffeine that come with chocolate.

So remember, healthy food, prepared and served with love in a calm and cozy environment  CAN soothe life’s rough edges.

But using donuts, ice cream, and pizza as a stress reducing method ultimately causes you MORE stress from digestive pain to poor health.  It is easy to see this when we are talking about drug addiction, but many people use food as the same “soft addiction” with equally deadly results!  See my post The Frightening New Normal, for more on the destructive behaviors we as a society have unfortunately normalized.

An important part of stress control and happiness is the ability to employ non-food alternatives to improve our mental state.  For example:

  • Exercise
  • Love
  • Talking
  • Writing
  • Painting
  • Prayer
  • Meditation
  • Reading
  • Physical touch (giving and receiving)
  • and of course, my personal favorite coping technique:

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